


Not a Happy Man

by Sestra_Prior



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Explicit Language, Humor, M/M, Parody, Sexual Content, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-04-11
Updated: 2006-04-11
Packaged: 2018-10-01 00:44:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10176650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sestra_Prior/pseuds/Sestra_Prior
Summary: Lucius Malfoy is not a happy man.  Place tongue firmly in cheek and read on to find out why.





	

Disclaimer: All characters are the property of J K Rowling. I'm just having my evil way with them.

 

Beta-ed by RaeWhit – big hugs, my friend.

**Not a Happy Man**

Lucius Malfoy was not a happy man.

One may not think this surprising, considering he was currently residing in Azkaban prison. But prison was not the reason for his discontent.

Admittedly, Lucius had spent the first three months planning cruel and despicable crimes against Harry Potter, most of which seemed, oddly, to end up with said boy incoherent, writhing as Lucius fucked him through a mattress. But after three months had passed, he decided he was wasting his time, and set about creating his own small kingdom (well, not actually _that_ small, considering the size of Azkaban), based on a rather novel "supply and demand" system; whatever the other prisoners had _supplied_ to them from the outside, Lucius would _demand_ , and usually get it. If, for some reason, a fellow inmate did not immediately see the wisdom of turning his belongings over to Mr. Malfoy, then in a day, or two at most, he would turn up, sporting the evidence of the error of his ways, and offer whatever Lucius had demanded, and usually everything else he had as well.

And the shadowy figure behind the black-market Chocolate Frog Trading Card racket…yep…Lucius.

Even the guards were accommodating to someone of Lucius' undoubted charm. On one occasion, when Lucius had asked for something to warm his bed, he entered his rather lavish cell to find a young, nubile guard under his blankets, wearing nothing but a smile. Lucius had expected a hot water bottle, but…well, he _had_ been inside for six months, and one didn't sleep with the other prisoners…they _were_ criminals, after all!

The young guard had been escorted from Lucius' cell a day and a half later, supported by two of his comrades…whose grins had told Lucius all he needed to know; that they were fully cognisant of the famed Malfoy sexual stamina but had singularly failed to mention it to their young colleague.

The next time he asked for something to warm his bed, Lucius was presented with a hot water bottle; he was disappointed, but not surprised.

No, prison was not all that bad. Once he had staked his claim on it. 

Admittedly, the facilities were not up to much, but there _were_ compensations: peace and quiet and plenty of fresh sea air, and the absence of a whining wife and a namby-pamby son. The fact that he was out of the clutches of a megalomaniac monster was also a plus, as was the fact that he got to avoid the attentions of the Order of the Phoenix. 

And time, oh yes, he had plenty of time. And Lucius loved to read; this surprised most people. He also collected Muggle postage stamps, but no one, not even Severus Snape, his oldest and dearest friend, knew about _that_. 

So, whilst life was not exactly a bed of roses, it wasn't bad, which was why Lucius was particularly unhappy when he found out his Lord and Master was working to get him released.

Voldemort had decided his "slippery friend" would be far more useful directing operations in his bid for world domination, than in sunning it up in the middle of the North Sea.

Now Lucius had done the whole _war_ thing the first time around, and to say he wasn't _keen_ was putting it mildly. One got unmentionable things on one's robes, and it played havoc with one's hair regime. Both of which were of great importance to Lucius.

So, no, he was not a happy man.

 

~~~

Lucius Malfoy was not a happy man. 

No sooner had he returned to the Death Eater fold, than he discovered that Voldemort had been manipulating his son. Now if anyone was going to manipulate Draco, it was going to be Lucius himself, not some scaly monster with delusions of grandeur…. _That_ offended Lucius' sense of right and wrong, and besides, he was very possessive of his toys. The fact that Voldie had also been trying to get into Narcissa's knickers was also cause for some annoyance. Taken singly, each incidence would not have been enough to tip Lucius over the edge, but both together…. Well, there was only one thing for it.

Lucius poisoned the old snake. Just like that.

"Try one of these, my Lord." And the Wizarding world was rid of one evil bastard.

Someone once said that “life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to get.” Voldemort thought _he_ knew—after all, he _did_ have the little slip of paper which accurately depicted just what the "Strawberry cream, lavishly coated with dark chocolate" should look like. 

It was a pity Voldemort didn't examine the chocolate he had chosen more closely – or not, depending on one’s opinion of tyrants with a yen to run the world. It was fortunate, or not, again depending on one’s point of view, that Lucius was well aware of his Lordship’s predilection for strawberry creams.

~~~

But Lucius Malfoy was _still_ not a happy man.

Now one has to think, at this point, that he must simply be very hard to please. After all, he had a lovely house that was the envy of many; a beautiful wife, who was desired by many; a very pretty son, who many might consider girlish, but whom Lucius was sure would grow up to be every bit as manly as he himself; a bank account that was nearly as legendary as his sexual prowess, and more charm than you could shake a stick at. 

But, nope, he wasn't a happy bunny.

Because he had his very own stalker. A dark-haired, green-eyed wizard named Harry Potter. Who, one would think, should be happy now that Voldemort was dead and gone. But no. He wasn't. Not in the least.

Why?

What Lucius had failed to take into account when polishing off his old boss, was that he was rather stealing someone else's thunder.

Someone who had been informed that it was _his_ destiny to kill the Dark Lord.

Someone who, with his two friends, had searched long and hard for the remaining Horcruxes, and systematically destroyed them. 

Someone who had, the day before Lucius committed the "Great Poisoning", dispatched the last portion of soul.

Someone who was looking forward to getting the reward for all his hard work: the final defeat of Tom Riddle, Lord Voldemort, the Dark Lord. Thus earning the lasting gratitude of the entire Wizarding world, and more girlies than he would know what to do with.

Someone who was, therefore, rather… _miffed_ , that someone else had got there first, thus stealing all the glory and the girlies. 

And the fact that the someone who had stolen his glory was none other than the drop-dead gorgeous father (who needed no help whatsoever to get girls), of his arch nemesis Draco Malfoy, merely added insult to injury. 

So now Lucius had a stalker.

Green eyes would glare at him out of the darkness, and a voice would hiss cutting comments.

"Get a hair cut, you big girl."

"What's the cane for, Malfoy? So you can go and fuck yourself?"

"He was _mine_ , Malfoy _mine_!"

Sometimes a bushy-haired girl could be seen dragging Harry away. Lucius tried not to let it bother him.

One night he emerged from his very exclusive club, having gossiped his way through a bottle of vintage brandy with Severus Snape. He was feeling very benevolent and at one with the world, until….

"You, yes _you_ , you bastard. You took what was mine."

Now, Lucius had not been a prominent Death Eater for nothing, and whilst he rarely bestirred himself to terrify the populace any more, it was not because he was no longer capable of doing so.

He whipped round, cloak swirling impressively, and dragged Harry out from behind the tree where he had been hiding.

"Right, Mr. Potter. I think it’s time we settled this once and for all." And he Apparated them both to his bijou city pad.

~~~

No sooner had they arrived, than Harry started with a stream of invective that would have made Lucius blush had he been any less worldly than he was. Harry then continued with a veritable tirade against Lucius, occasionally pausing to beat his fists against Lucius’ chest. When it appeared that Harry had run the loop and started to repeat himself, Lucius, in a voice that would have halted a headless chicken at fifty yards, said, “Cease!”

Harry ceased. 

They stared at each other. Then Harry’s bottom lip began to tremble, his shoulders began to shake and he started to take little gasps of air. Lucius noticed with dread that tears had begun to pool in the ridiculously green eyes. And he hated tears. They were Narcissa’s most deadly weapon, and even Draco had resorted to them on occasion, knowing full well his father’s weakness.

Harry began to wail.

Lucius toyed briefly with the idea of stuffing one of his rather fine black leather gloves in the boy’s mouth, but then changed his mind and decided on another course of action.

The crying stopped abruptly as Lucius’ mouth covered Harry’s. For a moment Lucius wondered whether he should withdraw now that the noise had stopped. But to tell the truth, he was rather enjoying the sensation, as it seemed was Harry, if the arms that suddenly went around the older wizard’s back were anything to go by, or the subtle press of the boy’s groin against his thigh, which only served to confirm his suspicion.

Lucius had them both naked and in bed in forty-three seconds flat. And one would have to admit that was pretty impressive, even with a wand. 

~~~

Lucius Malfoy was a happy man.

As the first tendrils of dawn sneaked apologetically around the edges of the bedroom curtains, he stretched and smiled. A naked Harry Potter lay curled into his side and he wondered how long he would have to wait before the boy was ready for more. 

Not Long.

A pink tongue lapped at one of his nipples, and a slim tanned hand reached down to caress his swiftly hardening prick.

Ah, yes indeed. Lucius Malfoy was a happy man.

 

~~~End~~~

 

**A/N**

You know when you have one of those days, when you walk around with a stupid grin on your face and everyone wonders either a) What you've been up to, or b) What you've been smoking?

This was the result of one of them. And the answer in both instances was "nothing"! Go figure.


End file.
